Teabag Philosphy, Part 2

Enough with the Zen messages on my morning teabags. Why not something I can really use? Instead of “God is a tree,” or “You are light,” how about words of wisdom that someone might actually find practical? Such as…

• Warning: the beverage you are about to enjoy might be extremely hot. Don’t sue us if you spill it onto your crotch.
• Don’t go out with your hair wet.
• Eat at least five servings of fruit and vegetables every day.
• You know what would go really well with this? A nice big slice of cheesecake.
• Don’t let your gas tank go below 1/4.
• You talk to your mother with that mouth?
• And while we’re at it, how long as it been since you called her?
• Buy low, sell high.
• When was the last time you washed that bathrobe?
• Hit ‘em where they ain’t.
• If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his ass.
• Are you sure you want to wear that shirt with those pants? I mean, are you really sure? I mean, do you even own a mirror?
• Go to the bathroom before you leave the house.
• Don’t go to bed mad. Unless you like that sort of thing. And that is none of our business. Unless you are or wish to be in Congress.
• Look twice when you are crossing the street. Three or four times if you live in New York City. And if you live in Boston, don’t even bother. It’s just not worth the risk.
• Did you turn off the stove?
• There’s a reason you have one mouth and two ears.
• Recycle. Especially used tea bags. I wouldn't mind coming back as something really cool, like a keychain that lights up.
• Tie your shoes, unless you want to trip on the stairs and break your neck.
• You look pale. Have you eaten?
• We know you have a lot of hot beverage options, so we’d like to thank you for choosing tea. So next time don’t let us catch you on line for one of those fancy coffees. It won’t be pretty, believe me.