Holiday Gift Guides AC Wouldn't Publish

Maybe by now you’ve seen the Holiday Gift Guides I’ve been writing for Associated Content. (And there are a couple more in the pipeline.) Those are only the ones they agreed to post. Here are a few gift suggestions for some, shall we say, more specialized demographic groups that for some unknown reason AC refused to publish. (Yes, I’m going to hell, but I know I’ll have some company.)

For the Bad Driver

• A gift certificate for additional insurance premiums
• Titanium bumpers
• Non-functional brake pedal for the passenger’s seat
• Pre-printed cards complete with insurance information and “I’m sorry,” written on them
• The book “How To Talk Your Way Out Of A Traffic Ticket”
• A crash helmet
• A bottle of eye drops to make fake tears when the cop pulls him or her over.
• A realistic manikin of a pregnant woman to be strapped into the passenger seat.

For the aspiring Survivor Contestant

• An album of terrible, unflattering pictures of themselves taken first thing in the morning or after a night of partying, to keep them humble when the publicity starts going to their heads.
• A full body waxing so they can spend thirty-eight days on an island wearing nothing but a bandana and bikini bottoms and still look like they just stepped out of a spa.
• A DVD of the movie, “How To Eat Fried Worms.”
• A whole lot of Mylanta
• A complete DVD set of all the past seasons of the show, because it’s apparent from watching these things that the contestants have no clue how to play the game.

For the Hypochondriac

• An industrial-sized crate of Purell
• A Merck Manual
• A case of rubber gloves and surgical masks
• Triple antibiotic ointment and lots of bandages.
• Gift certificates for doctor’s co-pays.

For the Schizophrenic

• Name tags for each of their personalities
• Gift Certificates for The Gap, H&M, Victoria’s Secret, Abercrombie & Fitch, Fredrick’s of Hollywood and The Salvation Army, so each of their personas will be able to clothe themselves in the style of their choice.

For the Obsessive/Compulsive

• A giant roll of bubble wrap
• A Magic 8 Ball
• One of those little devices that ticket-takers use at event turnstiles to count the number of people coming into a venue – your obsessive/compulsive will never run out of ways to use this item.

For someone with Alzheimer’s

• A personal GPS device
• An engraved name and address tag
• Sneakers that light up when you walk so you can locate him or her at a distance.

For the Goth

• Every poem, lyric, album, biography every created by or about Kurt Cobain
• Extra-strength makeup and nail polish remover (those dark colors are a bitch to get off)
• A large bottle of Bactracin for the piercing infections

For “Dubya”

• A course in “English as a Second Language”
• A brain