Animal Planet

In another century, in another hemisphere, it was considered unforgivable if, when a daughter was presented in marriage to another family’s son, not to provide a dowry. Normally this dowry would consist of, among other possibilities, acres of arable land, a few bolts of really good cloth, a lot of money and an animal or two, or perhaps a herd if the family was very wealthy or if the girl was especially unmarriageable. (eg. was an “old maid” of 25 or had already been knocked up by somebody else.)

Today, all you need is to be of legal age in your particular state and not be married to anyone else (unless you live in Utah).

And now, because of an organization called Heifer International, you can give a goat to someone in another hemisphere, living in the previous century’s economy, merely by going on-line with a credit card. Or simply call the 800 number in their catalog to buy someone a cow, a pig, a sheep, or a share of a sheep (but not a sheared sheep; they have to do that themselves). Or you can buy a trio of rabbits, a flock of chicks, a llama, or a bunch of honeybees. For five grand, there’s even an “Ark” package, where you can buy some poor family two of pretty much anything you like, including guinea pigs, geese, donkeys, camels or water buffalo.

On the surface, this is a really great concept. For only a few dollars, you could give a poor family in some war-torn country or oppressive dictatorship a chance to improve their lot by buying them a goat or cow that will provide milk, a sheep that will provide wool for garments for their own warmth or which they could sell for income to buy food.

Here are a few of the benefits that Heifer, Internationalclaims have been made possible due to your contribution:

• Christine Makahumure helped mend the wounds from Rwanda’s genocidal civil war when she passed on the gift of a calf to a desperate neighbor. (gee, I thought all it took was billions and billions of dollars in UN aid)

• Carlos Hernandez in Bolivia passed on a lamb to another family in need. (who killed it)

• In 1985, four families in China received 105 rabbits. Since that time, an additional 2 million animals have been passed on. (And how many have escaped and done how much in crop damage or were eaten by hawks or wolves? The food chain is a mother, dude.)

I know, I know, I can just hear Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins and Janeane Garofolo and Sting all pleading in my head that this is the right thing to do to save the world.

But before I organize a benefit concert, just a few questions.

1. The fatted calf.

OK, I get the good intention of giving someone an animal that will provide milk or wool, something that help a family a step or two out of abject poverty. That’s a good thing. But consider this quote from the brochure: “When you donate a pig, you give a family a valuable source of protein…” Protein? Hey! Wait just a sheep-shearing minute! They’re going to kill Wilbur??? But..but…everyone’s been telling me that eating meat bad for the global economy! Doesn’t it take more land and energy to produce one gram of animal protein than….? Hey! That’s not helping the planet! After all, their motto is, “ending hunger, caring for the earth. I wonder if Susan knows about this. But no, no, the brochure continues. You misunderstand. The family that is lucky enough to receive your gift of pig will breed them…” So they can KILL more pigs? And are they being treated humanely? Someone call PETA. This can’t be right. Especially that thing that says that I can give a “share” of a pig for $10. What do they get, a pound of bacon or a pork roast or something? I just don’t like the sound of that. And yes, I know, I eat meat, but we’re not talking about me, here. We’re talking about an organization that claims they can save the world from poverty and hunger.

2. How do I know who is getting my water buffalo?

Does it truly go to a family in need, (who will to hook it up to a yoke and let it live out the rest of its good years pulling a plow through some rice paddy) or is it stopped at a border checkpoint and given to some warlord or dictator who will slice it up for dinner? Will my well-intentioned gift of a flock of chicks, a hive of bees, or a share of a cow (can I pick the cut?) end up in Kim Jung Il’s palace? Or worse, dying on some loading dock while the paperwork is shuffled from underling to underling because the country’s government is in chaos?

3. The shoemaker’s son goes barefoot (or at least has holes in his socks).

There are a lot of families living in poverty here in America. It’s pretty embarrassing that we’re doing such a piss-poor job of getting to them first, while we send aid money all around the globe and sacks of rice to Rwanda for the warlords to do with as they wish. But other than two example in the catalog of beehives sent to some poor families in Kentucky and pigs given to enable families in Arkansas to attain greater self-reliance (I have no evidence that these are an actual or theoretical examples), you don’t get to choose where your gift goes. On their web site FAQs, they write that they decide where the need is the greatest. Of course it isn’t very practical to request that camels be sent to Bolivia or sheep to the rainforest, but if I decide that I want to buy a camel for a bombed-out, poverty stricken rural family in Kurdish Iraq…well, I’m probably best off donating to the Red Cross (uh…or not). Granted, upon later scrutiny of their web site, they do say they “contribute” to helping inner-city families form community gardens and helping some poor families start fish or worm farms (worm farms?). But can’t I buy a package, say, the “weed and feed” special (seeds and gardening equipment) or a whole slew of salmon for somebody’s fish farm (excuse me, once more: worm farm?). Not quite as cute as a cuddly sheep or bunny, I’d imagine.

But I guess doing something to help end world hunger is better than nothing. Especially since the UN is doing such a damned pathetic job. But I’m not seeing any celebrity endorsements on this thing quite yet. And gosh darn it, I’m not giving a penny to a charitable cause unless it’s got at least three celebrity endorsements behind it.

Maybe I should send Susan and Tim a catalog.