Sports you'll never see at the next Olympics

Only a few years ago, sports like curling and snowboarding went from weekend hobbies to actual Olympic competitions, in hopes that viewers would find them compelling. Even so, the ratings for this year’s Olympics were one of the lowest in recent history. Next time, in the interest of keeping potential viewers from other diversions such as American Idol, video games and channel-flipping to get away from the endless hours of Visa commercials and teary skating pixies waiting for their scores, how about lobbying to get a few of these as exhibition sports in 2010?

The Layering Competition: People across the northern climates have been doing this all winter as an amateur sport to combat the high price of home heating oil. For the actually competition, participants put as many insulating layers of clothing on their bodies as quickly as they can before they either tire from the effort or simply fall over from sheer weight of fabric. Requires strength and endurance. Possibly participants will need to be divided into weight categories. Two drunk guys ice-fishing in northern Wisconsin recently tried this on a dare by putting on half of the Lands’ End catalog before one of them toppled over, rolled into a lake and was never seen again.

The New Biathalon: If skiing and shooting is considered a “sport,” then why not skiing and shoveling? Ski from house to house with a shovel strapped to your back, clean off the stairs, then on to the next. Participants will be judged on speed, accuracy and dollar amount of tips received from the homeowner. Salting prohibited.

Speed Skating Moguls – Make some lumpy ice and watch them go! Can be applied to the figure skating as well. Talk about getting some height on those triple axels! Helmets required, but can be decorated to match the skater's costumes.

Rocket Sleigh – Those bobsleighs were looking a little sluggish at Torino. Let’s strap a rocket engine to the suckers. The course may have to be made a little bit larger, but staying on it’s half the skill. If the injury rate for this exhibition sport is low, consider adding rocket-assist to the Snowboard Cross and the speed skaters. Extreme speed and focus will be required to prevent Apolo Anton Ohno from becoming Apolo 11.

NASCAR on ice – Points for artistry and creativity in the spins. All four tires must remain on the ice at all times. Chains or any other modification to the vehicle chassis (other than the approved sponsor logos) are prohibited. Pit crew must wear skates, but skirts are optional.

Really Big Air – Ski off a ramp and over the edge of a cliff with a parachute on your back. Partially stolen from a Bond stunt, but what the hell. It looked like fun. Extra points for not wetting yourself.

See you in Vancouver!