It's not just a job, it's $249.33 a week

All right, I swallowed my self-respect and applied for social security disability. After a 2-1/2 hour phone interview, I was sent a packet of information and was told to fill some stuff in and return it, but they neglected to tell me which things to fill in. This, unfortunately, required a phone call to the local office and I’ve been trying for hours and it’s either busy or nobody answers. All of this waiting gave me lots of time to imagine what they might be doing instead of answering the phones.

1 An angry grandma couldn't get her Medicare prescription information straightened out so she came back with a deer rifle, shattered the front window and is holding all of the employees hostage until somebody can explain it to her. Because the “Medicare Changes for Dummies” books have not yet arrived, the boss makes an intern call Congress. The rest of the employees are all cowering underneath their desks, nibbling on donuts like frightened mice.

2. Congress is too busy arguing amongst themselves to answer the phones, so the employees tried to figure it out for themselves. But all of their heads exploded. Granny is now answering the phones, telling people they’d be better off cashing in their 401Ks and stashing their money under their mattresses. She’s a nice lady underneath; we’re having lunch next week.

3. All of the employees are furtively tapping away on the company phones trying to get on Al Franken's radio show.

4. They're all too busy Googling test words for the NSA.

5. A retired postal employee didn't get his social security check so he came back with a gun but Grannie beat him to it, so he's taking advantage of all the vacant computers to cruise porn sites on the web.

6. They are playing "caller-id bingo" and my telephone number fills up everyone's cards at once. A fistfight breaks out and in the melee, two employees strangle themselves on their own headseat cords, because wireless sets are not in the budget.

7. Due to an internet prank by Al Gore, the entire Department of Social Security believes they have been laid off. They are trying to apply for unemployment benefits, but everyone at unemployment have all been fired too. One phone number now exists for all governmental services. The voice mail directs all calls to Hillary Clinton's office. She and her staff are sitting back puffing on stogies, drinking champagne, listening to the phone ring and laughing their asses off.