How did I get on the mailing list for this? Between husband and me, we get a lot of strange things in the mail – his pictures of W and pleas for contributions (I throw them out when he isn’t looking), my New Age nutrition sales pitches, and for some reason, a catalog for medieval weapons (Curse thee, spouse, now take yon trash to the landfill or I’ll smite thee with my mighty and powerful mace!)
There’s probably some Hal-like database deep beneath Battle Creek, Michigan which directs thousands of tiny elves (probably immigrants, probably underpaid) to collate together mailings based upon your age and stage of life…remember all the stuff you got as you entered college, trial coupons for this or questionnaires about that, which led you to believe that yours was the most important demographic group ever to be born into modern civilization? They have one for when you graduate (mostly it’s credit card offers – low interest!!), they have one for pregnancy (bulk discount on diapers, and, now that you’re responsible for another, isn’t it time for more life insurance?) They have one for the bride-to-be. Now, apparently, another group of elves (the ones who are forever fanning themselves and asking, “is it hot in here or is it me?”) are putting together this one for women going through The Change.
You’ve probably only seen this catalog if you’re of a certain age, (And how do they decide what that is? Is this like Logan’s Run, and the minute I turned 44 (apparently a number of interns have gotten together and determined that this is the median age where women might experience their first hot flash), a light in my belly started glowing and I am now marked as “about to become invisible to society,”) but it’s all the goodies and knickknacks you might need as you’re going through menopause. Breathable jammies for the night sweats, fashionable swimwear with “tummy control,” aromatherapeutic mind de-foggers, full-figure bras (When I go into menopause, will I suddenly develop a bust large enough to need to be controlled? Ladies? Please? Anybody? Will I? Damn.), and my absolute favorite, which is a bunch of scary-looking devices that promise to strengthen your pelvic floor (trust me, nobody really wants to know how these things work, so even if I could figure it out from the vague copy in the brochure I would refrain from sharing it with you).
But why is this the only period of life change that can benefit from a catalog? Certainly I’ve gone through other life transitions and would like to have had more help than I received from ABC After School specials or MTV or thirtysomething.
How about a catalog for those of us leaving college and entering the workforce? Lipstick that lasts through happy hour and beyond? Clothing that goes from work to that big date, then just turn it inside out, give it a shake and you’re good to go the next morning without anyone in your cube farm giving you the evil eye? Attractive throws to make Salvation Army furniture look like you actually bought it at IKEA?
What about the catalog you should get when you leave that fat and happy 18-34 demographic group? Condolence cards to send to your friends? Fake Nielsen boxes to put atop your TV to make everything think ad agencies still care what you think? DVDs of music and TV shows that are age-appropriate and still make you think you’re cool?
Guaranteed the top seller would be the one you should receive when you either move in with or marry your intended. Clothing that is as comfortable as sweat pants but doesn’t really say that now that you don’t have to date anymore you haven’t really let yourself go. Scads of books on communication, including a great big encyclopedia on how to deal with any relationship crisis, from how to handle your first holiday meal in your own home, what not to say when she asks if her new jeans make her look fat, what’s the one thing a man should never say to a woman and vice versa.
Hopefully, this helpful advice will eliminate any need for the medieval weapons catalog. But if anyone wants one, let me know. I'm off to Battle Creek to get my name off the menopause mailing list.
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