While I'm recovering from some kind of bug (not quite bird flu), I hope you enjoy these plays-on-words sent to me by my lovely sister-in-law. Have fun! (I especially like the definition for "flatulence" below. I'm still waiting to be picked up by one.
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Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): it's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious, you know, a real bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the apple you're eating.
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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6 comments:
I have some for the second category:
1) masturbathe: (v) 1) to perform 'self-service' in the shower or bath
2) radare: (v) 1) speeding without a radar detector
3) fleash: (v) 1) to successfully woo someone by exposing some portion of one's anatomy. (My friend Orlo fleashed Jojo by sticking his pierced tongue out at her.)
4) serendopity: (n) 1) dumb luck of a high degree
5) pneumania: (n) 1) being overly fearful of catching the flu in the flu season
6) heirass: (n) 1) Paris Hilton
7) apprehind: (v) 1) to grab ass
8) missilve: (n) 1) any weapon used to make a political point
I read them twice and I'm still laughing. :) Thanks!!
Now use them all in a short story.
After masturbathing in my shower for fifteen minutes, I felt a little better about getting nailed with a speeding ticket while radaring. I still can't believe my serendopity in successfully fleashing the lady cop that pulled me over by proving that my porno name is Nate Inches, but hey, it let me apprehind her, so it's all good.
Speaking of ass, that heirass Paris Hilton was on TV last night, promoting some stupid show she's gonna do. She should use her celebrity for something at least remotely useful, like condemning the use of missilves, or getting help for people with pneumania.
(What can I say? Oh, and consider that your x-mas gift.)
Excellent. You are the master.
"Nate Inches??"
Think of a number that rhymes with 'Nate'...
Uh...anything I think of will only get me into trouble. ;)
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