Pardon Me!

OK. If the media can be crass enough to air Gerald Ford’s interview criticizing Bush’s decision to go to war before they can even get the ex-prez into the ground, then clearly I won’t be going to hell for this piece. I was going to write a little bit about what I remember from Ford’s presidency, for the kiddies, but by the time I found a picture of a “WIN” button on-line, every iota of the man’s life had already hit the airwaves. So I’ll focus on the one aspect that it seems that everyone with a microphone finds the most important from his years in office – his pardoning of Richard Nixon.

So why can’t I pardon a few people? It’s the holidays, everyone’s in a good mood, and from what I’ve seen in politics, they don’t seem to really mean anything, so here’s my suggestions of who should receive a presidential pardon:

1. She goes out in public without her underwear, gets falling-down drunk, smokes cigarettes to make her voice sound older, has the lousiest taste in men and could use a few child-rearing lessons, but because she’s too stupid to know what she’s doing, I choose to pardon Britney Spears for her crimes against good taste, media space, motherhood and general ineffectiveness as a human being.

2. He has hair like a Ken doll, was a one-note Johnny in the 2004 presidential campaign by building his entire platform on the concept of “Two Americas” when everything in the cultural zeitgeist was pointing to “can’t we all just get along?” He was criticized for having no experience so he’s been spending the last three years meeting foreign dignitaries, learning where Uzbekistan is, and learning more about poverty by teaching part-time. (????) Now John Edwards is back on the trail with a bang, digging ditches in New Orleans and really not seeming to be any different. I pardon him for his over-eagerness (became there is something suspect about anyone who wants the Oval Office that badly – for Chrissakes, even Hillary wasn’t the first out of the box and would rather die than roll up her designer sleeves and step into a ditch) So for this and other reasons, I have to give him a “free spin” pardon. Because he’s so inexperienced that he’s bound to do something that will need a pardon later.

3. She can create a lavish meal for fifty and redecorate her entire house without breaking a sweat. So who wouldn’t take a little insider tip now and again? Hey, saffron and phyllo dough don’t come cheap. For taking her lumps and coming back with more cache and more money than ever before, I give this belated pardon to Martha Stewart.

4. It really wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t help it if he got typecast as Kramer and everyone else in the quartet went on to successful second acts except for him. Maybe he just needs a good therapist. Or to shave his head and get a few tattoos. So I pardon Michael Richards for his appalling outburst just so I don’t have to hear him groveling any more. Michael…get some sensitivity training and maybe a new career before you do something stupid like throw yourself into James Brown’s grave.

5. She made stock in the Gap reach a new high and the media reach a new low. But heck, what twenty-something girl hasn’t done things she’s not particularly proud of? A much overdue pardon to Monica Lewinsky because he boss, who handed out pardons like Tic Tacs when he was going out the door was too much of a cowardly shit to give one to her.