As the 109th Congress blows out of Washington for their extended “winter vacation” (some more extended than others), it was decried by one Democratic congressman that “quite a mess” was left behind. It was more than the unpassed legislation, the bills passed so quickly that they contained more pork than Ohio, the name plates from office doors, the desks sitting out in the corridors. My secret sources tell me that some other things were left behind in the members’ rush to get on a plane and go anywhere below the equator. For instance, several Christmas lists were found, the handwriting analyzed by my secret sources’ secret handwriting analysts. And the tentative results (we’re waiting for final corroboration from Dan Rather) were as follows:
Hillary Clinton
1. Curtains for the Oval Office that match my wardrobe
2. A new rug for the Oval Office
3. A personal GPS to track Bill; barring that, one of those leashes people put on toddlers.
4. FBI files on Rudy Guiliani, John McCain, Mitt Romney, John Kerry, Al Gore (just in case), and for God’s sake, there has to be something on Obama. There just has to. I know it.
Barack Obama
1. A new middle name (note to self: forgive Mom – how was she to know “Hussein” would not be desirable thirty years down the line?)
2. Polish for my halo
3. Really don’t need anything else – give the rest to a worthy charity free of scandal.
Mark Foley
1. That new software they have that eliminates your instant messages.
2. A new job
3. If can’t find one, to join the priesthood
Ted Kennedy
1. One of those educational video tapes where they show you how to pronounce difficult names and enunciate clearly – note: ask Bush where he got his.
2. A rehab center at the Vineyard compound
Nancy Pelosi
1. Business cards on better stationery than Hillary’s.
2. The name of Hillary’s decorator.
Barbara Boxer
1. A class on how to think before speaking (note: ask Maxine Waters and Cynthia McKinney if they wants to attend, too)
Orrin Hatch
1. A tie that fits
2. Software that will remind me to eliminate all traces of my Donnie and Marie MP3 downloads.
John Kerry
1. A better publicist
2. One of those books on how to tell a joke
3. For Ohio to be flattened by a meteor
Chuck Schumer
1. New running shoes (as I’ll now be New York’s only senator)
2. A vial of polonium for my next tea with Hillary
Dennis Hastert
1. The book, “What Should I Do With My Life.” (note: multiple copies for Bill Frist, and Mark Foley)
2. One of those “Adopt a Highway” signs for my “Prairie Parkway.”
Maurice Hinchey
1. A gun that doesn’t set off metal detectors
2. A bumpersticker that says, “Honk if you hate Karl Rove”
3. The name of a good therapist (note: ask Howard Dean for recommendations)
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4 comments:
Odd, I'd have thought Hillary's list would include a good Scotchguarding of all the upholstery.
And Barack might want a new last name too. It's a damn shame that the Dems are so hard up for a quality candidate the the front runner has a name most Americans will closely associate with the second-most hated man in recent history (the first being the entire Bush Administration all tied for first place). I'm talking Osama here, not Hussein. The poor bastard's full name is Barack Hussein Obama?
Fuck, four more years of Republican rule...
It ain't gonna happen. You heard it here first.
Hah, my verification word is Kwkvlqoe. I heard he's also thrown his hat into the ring.
Back with a flourish!
I'm surprised your sources didn't find Cheney's wish list:
A new hunting rifle. One with a lot of firepower. Not like those wussy shotguns.
A husband for my daughter Mary
More of those Haliburton retirement checks. I don't know why they're becoming so cheap lately.
A vial of Polonium for the next time Georgie-boy invites me to tea.
Apparently Cheney covers his tracks too well, and probably keeps his Christmas list in a secure underground location. But that would probably be the contents.
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