A Modest Proposal

I heard on the news this morning that this particular holiday shopping system is being plagued by a more pervasive and more creative brand of retail shoplifter. Target, in addition to other brick-and-mortar businesses, is taking aggressive measures to stop or at least slow down this plague. They are using a sophisticated video surveillance system, and partnering with local police departments to catch these scofflaws in the act.

But I don’t think they’re going far enough. With a few well-placed Draconian measures, we could stop this problem in its tracks and let the video system continue to be used to catch consenting adults doing things in the dressing rooms, and let the local cops return to busting up drug gangs and giving out traffic tickets for things like blown-out license plate bulbs and talking on cell phones.

For example:

Maybe Hammurabi had it right. Forget those useless signs posted around stores announcing that shoplifters get a free ride in a police car. Those are about as effective as telling kids that drugs kill. But a few strategically-placed signs around stores warning that shoplifters will have their hands removed without anesthetic might give a potential five-finger discounter pause. Not to mention fewer fingers.

Public embarrassment. This is a colonial city, and the powers-that-be are continually announcing festivals, reenactments, et al that celebrate our rich history. And part of that history that has yet to be celebrated is the public stock as a system of punishment. Catch someone red-handed, and lock them up in one of these jobbies in the parking lot for day or so. Cream pies and rotten tomatoes will be supplied to those who care to employ them. And, for those of you who are wondering why we don’t go all the way and simply burn people at the stakes, there are far too many laws against public burning to even try to get this through the city government. Also, there is current legal precedent of public embarrassment as a form of punishment: a judge in Atlanta has sentenced people to hold humiliating signs over their heads in public areas.

Boy, their arms must be tired. But that’s all part of the rehabilitation process.

The Putin Solution. You know those security tags that supposedly contain an ink capsule, so if you try to remove them from “your” Hermes scarf you will be covered in tell-all blue? Fill those ink capsules with Polonium. Your store will never have a problem with shoplifters again.

So get into the holiday spirit and go visit a mall or two. Just don’t forget to pay for your selected items on the way out. Or believe me. You will pay.