The Search Engine That Couldn't

Early in my attempts to find work after I was last separated from my paycheck, I posted my resume on a local employment web site and clicked a little box that offered to send me e-mail alerts IMMEDIATELY should any suitable jobs be posted. How nice of them, I thought. How considerate of my time. How special I felt, that they would send me compatible openings AS SOON AS THEY BECAME AVAILABLE! Not only did I click this little box, but to make these searches more tailored to my needs, they wrote, I could enter a number of keywords at the requested places, listing titles of jobs I was interested in, skills I could provide, and keywords I did NOT want to see.

For a little background (for those of you who aren’t familiar with what the books call my “skill set” (sounds like I come equipped with my own selection of power tools)) I was a project manager in marketing communications for the last eight years. I do desktop publishing, web design (front end only) and editing. I know the standard desktop-publishers set of software – Quark, Illustrator, Photoshop, Word, Excel, Dreamweaver and enough Access and HTML to be dangerous. I do graphic design for print; I write and proofread and edit. I put all of these things in the little boxes. I also indicated that I did not want to be considered for an entry-level position.

So, to date, here’s what I’ve been offered (the MINUTE they became available!)

• Truck driver
• Visual Basic Application Programmer
• Entry-Level Java Software Developer
• Insurance Claim Examiner
• Restaurant Manager
• Clinical Research Manager for a pharmaceutical firm

The truck driver one looks kind of interesting. Except all I can think about is that Harry Chapin song, “30,000 pounds of bananas” about a truck driver whose brakes fail and he spills his cargo and slides all the way into Scranton, PA. If I was interested in losing the rest of my eyesight and developing permanent spinal deformities, I could give the programmer positions a try. And wouldn’t I like a crack at insurance claims! MRIs for everyone!!! Everyone would get approved!! I think I might last a few weeks, though, before they’d catch onto me. I’d be pretty bad at restaurants – one sexist comment and some customer might be wearing his dinner. Plus I’d have to be on my feet all night. (I don’t remember “works standing” to be one of the skill sets I checked off) And hey, I could be qualified for the pharmaceutical firm. I’ve certainly tested enough medications over the last year. But maybe they don’t want me at the helm.

Then they sent me another e-mail. The subject line was: “Is your resume being overlooked?”

Yes, I thought. BY YOU!!!! It offered me a chance, for only $9.95, to become a “featured job seeker!” so my resume will be stuck right under the noses of the biggest decision-makers in the area!

I had a feeling that the key to better success was to throw some money at them. Just like the rest of the world. But maybe I’ll just go back to the original keywords. Maybe if I enter the OPPOSITE of what I want, I might actually get something I’m qualified for. It’s worth a shot!

(Note from Opus: Fiction Friday will resume next week...had to get this off my bill first)