Drop and give me 20 queries

Despite doing 100 crunches every morning, I’m afraid I’ve gotten soft. It’s been over three months since I’ve had a job. I’m no longer accustomed to people shooting down my ideas, talking over me at meetings, denying my promotions and generally doing things that would make a lesser Superwoman run to the ladies room in tears. It’s been over two years since I pitched a manuscript, so there have been no rejection slips, no “try us again later,” no “perhaps you should have gone to nursing school like your mother wanted.” And cripes, I’ve been with my husband for so long that as far as dating – I have a vague memory that it used to involved chaperones, white gloves and calling cards. And maybe my father was supposed to give the guy a herd of cows or something.

Anyway, I think my hide is no longer tough enough to withstand rejection.

Therefore I consulted my old friend Google for help.

I was searching for some kind of writer’s boot camp. And I found them, by the dozens. But they were all about the writing. Several promised that I would produce a saleable script by the end of their overpriced conferences. One promised to break through my writer’s block once and forever. One promised that I would Learn To Write A Novel From Start To Finish.
Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending upon your circumstances) I already had the goods. I knew the basics of how to sell the goods. What I wanted was a little extra help, something that would promise Buns of Steel, or at least Teflon, so that any rejection slips I’m bound to get in the next few months will slide right off.

Then magically, this little flyer appeared in my mailbox. Funny how it had no postage and was only addressed to “Opus,” but somehow it found me. The pitch went something like this:

Feeling too good about yourself and your writing?
Want to get published but don’t know if you can take the punishment?
THEN WE WANT YOU!
Come to our campus on historical Alcatraz Island and we’ll pound the self-esteem right out of you!
Be completely ignored when you attempt to TALK TO BEST SELLING AUTHORS!
Get disdainful looks by TOP-FLIGHT AGENTS, as they pronounce in a round-table discussion that they’re always looking for “fresh new voices,” but just not yours.
Then the fun really starts. Network with your fellow conference participants while you fight bare-handed for a place on line to sign up for the five or six open slots to actually MEET THE AGENTS (or one of their assistants, a girl named Jennifer who just graduated from NYU) face to face, where, if you’re lucky and either you or your protagonist doesn’t remind him or her of one of their ex-spouses, you might actually get them to tell you what’s wrong with your project, or if you’re very lucky, you.
Space is limited, and so are cells (bring your own mattress) so send in your non-refundable thousand-dollar deposit TODAY!

Boy, does this sound like something for me. Now off to the bank to try to get a loan…