Stuck among the other things in one of the boxes that came back from my office was a tiny, tastefully-designed book, “Meditations For Women Who Do Too Much.” It was never my book; I’m not sure how it made it into my stuff, (a coincidental mistake or something watching over my shoulder?) but as soon as I opened it and read that day’s entry I knew that someone had written it for recovering Wonder Women like me.
But they didn’t go far enough. With my current to-do list consisting of fascinating items like “make appointment with doctor” and “cruise web for jobs that potentially might not suck and don’t require heavy lifting or an hour commute,” the problem is now a matter of thinking too much. Does that pain in my knee mean that I walked too far yesterday? The ache in my back from breaking in my new sneakers or should I call the physical therapist? What is the meaning of life, anyway? If I ate a different ratio of protein to carbohydrates earlier in the evening would I sleep better? What if I can’t fall asleep tonight? What if I never sleep again? Do electric heating pads cause cancer? What if no one will ever hire me? What if they do? What did it mean when my physical therapist asked when my next appointment with the neurosurgeon was? Was this so he’d be sure to have his report done in time or is there something seriously wrong with me that I should have checked out by a specialist?
And it’s only 10:49 in the morning. I could go on like this all day. And have.
So maybe one of those tastefully-designed little books with inspirational quotes and heart-soothing homilies could do the trick. Here’s a sample entry:
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January 24, 2006
OBSESSION
“I don't really think about anything too much. I live in the present. I move on. I don't think about what happened yesterday. If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out.”
--Pamela Anderson
It has been shown that thinking too much can actually kill brain cells, cause cellulite and Keanu Reeves movies. Therefore thinking lightly, staying in the present so you don’t miss one ounce of life going on around you, is really the most effective and healthful way to pass the time between sit-com offers and bikini fittings, or while the peroxide is marinating into your scalp.
Don’t worry, be Pammy.
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I don't know, but for us ladies who are recovering from life, this could just be an idea whose time has come.
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6 comments:
42, as I recall.
Seriously, though, you know that life is far too serious a matter to take seriously. Methinks the book idea is a great way to blow off steam ("Bad Karma" for those of you still trapped in Woodstock.) Problem is, Johnny/Jilly Q. Public is likely vapid enough that it would get published, and make you gobs of lucre, because they'll believe it's true. On the other hand... .
So, how goes with ye's meeces?
Das meece still runs free! Husband saw him last night...darted across the counter, avoided the two traps, then down behind the refrigerator. Curses! Foiled again!
That book would be good for anyone whothinks too much, men included.
January 25th, 2006
LONELINESS
"Yeah, before my career took off, and I found my beautiful wife, I was pretty lonely. A lot of the stuff in Shallow Hal actually happened to me at one point or the other. I'd start thinking about it all the time. I'd wonder if too much masturbation actually would cause blindness. 20-20 vision, baby! Go for it!!"
--Jack Black
It has been shown that sexual frustration can lead to anti-social behavoir that actually exacerbates loneliness by making people uncomfortable around lonely people. Try keeping a bottle of hand lotion on the bedside table, and a couple of dirty magazines under your mattress.
Maybe there's a reason he's called Jack.
Nate, sounds like you could write your own book:
Meditations for Actors Who Should Really Keep Some Things To Themselves.
Sorry, hope I didn't offend. I was just trying to be funny.
Nate, I grew up with eight brothers. It takes a lot to offend me. (Just ask Highlander.)
Don't sweat it! (it was funny)
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