A Brief Football Tutorial for Women; or, how to impress guys during the Superbowl

Ladies, if you are like most American women, you could give a damn about football. You think it’s a pointless, barbaric sport and at game time your significant other is a chip-chomping zombie on the couch and you’d much rather be at the mall. Or, if you agree to go to whatever Superbowl party you’ve been invited to, you shrug, say you don’t understand football, and retreat into the kitchen with the other women to check on the nachos and drink margaritas.

Yes, you could continue like this. Or, if you’re interested in “Opus’s Cliff notes on football and how to look impressive in the eyes of men,” then keep reading. Otherwise, I’ll meet you at the mall later. We’ll get our nails done then try on shoes.

I warn you now, throwing out a few “GO, GO, GO”s when one of the guys has the ball and is running really fast isn’t going to cut it. Men will think you’re cute if you comment on which team has the more attractive uniform, but it’s not going to earn their respect or that prime couch position you’ve had your eye on since the opening kickoff.

First, a quick update on what we’re dealing with:

Usually the Superbowl game itself is duller than listening to Howard Cosell read the Iliad. It tends to be a one-sided yawn-fest because all through the playoffs there is usually one clear outstanding team, just waiting for the final dance. This year, it was the playoffs that were the disappointment. Two of the best teams in the NFL had very, very bad days. And now, because with two more evenly-matched teams going head-to-head, the attention is going to be on the game, and not just the commercials and the food.

Here are some basic facts about the match-up next Sunday:

• The Pittsburgh Steelers (in yellow (they call it gold) and black, from the AFC North Division) will be playing the Seattle Seahawks (in charcoal gray (for some reason they call it Royal Blue) and black, from the NFC West Division)
• Seattle did pretty well this year (13-3) and never lost at home, but Pittsburgh is the lowest-seeded team (rated at #6, and went 11-5 this year) to have ever made it to the Superbowl.
• Both teams have their own “sympathy” factors (eg: reasons to root for one team or another) Jerome Bettis of the Steelers, a potential Hall-of-Famer (Call him “The Bus” and sound really impressive), who is probably retiring this season, has his first and probably last chance for a Superbowl ring in his career. And this is Seattle’s first trip to the big show. Points for being the underdog.
• The “eyeball” factor (how many people the network expects to be watching) is about equal for both teams. In other words, the media doesn’t really care as much about this game as, say, if the teams were from larger cities or had greater followings or were more controversial. So the commercials might not be that great either. (Except for the MasterCard Debit Card commercial: keep a look out for this one) But in general, this is another reason why you should know something about the game.

For those of you who don’t know anything about how football works, here are the basics:

1. The game is played on a 100-yard rectangular field. If you’ve ever jogged on your local high school or college track, then it’s a little less than the distance from end-to-end. Doesn’t seem like a whole lot to run, but try doing it really, really fast wearing cleats and five pounds of helmet and full padding while a pack of ginormous, sweaty guys are trying to catch you and make you eat dirt. Unless you like that sort of thing. But there are other web sites for that.

2. The overall objective of the game is, after four 15-minute quarters and as many quarters of overtime as it takes (or two, in regular season play) to score more points than the other team. Note: overtime requires lots more beer on the part of the spectators. If you are hosting the party, try to anticipate this need.

3. During their turn with the ball, each team gets, at minimum, four tries (called “downs”) to try to reach their opponent’s goal line. They do this by passing or running the ball down the field, gaining as many yards as they can before they are tackled by the other team’s defense (see “eating dirt, point #1), forced to run out of bounds, or have the ball stripped away from them by the other team. If they gain enough yardage during a drive, they are granted “first down” which means that they get a whole new set of downs in order to move the ball and try to score. On TV, they put in a handy electronic orange line to show you how many yards the team needs to move the ball in order to get a first down. It would be very, very cool to have a device like this in real life (think how handy it would be for dating and finding a parking space), but unfortunately, like instant holes, it only exists on TV.

4. To score, the offensive squad of the team with possession of the ball can run the ball into the end zone, catch the ball in the end zone (both of these are called a touchdown), or kicking the ball through the upright posts at the end of the field (this is called a field goal). After a touchdown, the player who made the touchdown often does a little “in your face” dance. While this may be entertaining to watch, there are no extra points awarded for form or creativity, although sometimes if he is too creative, the NFL may decide to fine him. Nudity is especially frowned upon.

5. When the team doesn’t get a touchdown or a field goal after using up their four downs, (If they use them up consecutively without gaining at least 10 yards, it’s called “four and out.” This is where you roll your eyes and ask a guy to get you a beer) then the other team gets possession of the ball.

There are LOTS more rules, but basically this is all you need to get started. If you’re interested in things like quarterback blitzes and what a cornerback does and what’s it mean when the ref circles his hands round each other like he’s playing Jon Travolta in “Saturday Night Fever” (it means “false start,” by the way), the full rules are at http://www.football.com/rulesandinfo.shtml and you can study your little heart out. (Yes, this may sound un-feminist, but most men are still awed by women who know football. Extra points for questioning the ref’s calls, high-fiving and drinking beer out of the bottle)

But if after this you still don’t give a damn about the game, but plan to go to a party anyway, there are other things to look forward to. The commercials should be pretty good. And Mick Jagger is performing at the halftime show. Enough said. Maybe there will be another wardrobe malfunction.