The Miracle of Life

It's not uncommon to see a deer or two or three traipsing around our backyard, since we live in the woods, but it's not too common to see them lie down and take a nap. Well, maybe when we first moved into the house, as the building had been vacant for a good few months, no dogs or humans to dissuade them from making the whole of the yard their crash pad. The sleeping deer look like a bunch of little ETs scattered about the yard, with their tiny heads and giant ears. But I hadn't seen this kind of behavior in a while. I watched the doe for a little bit - she'd get up, walk around a little, flop down again. Maybe she was sick, I thought, or pregnant...and then I didn't think much more about it. I had my own problems. The constant rain and the stress of the week had taken its toll on me and I needed to try to get a nap before I went out for an afternoon appointment.

Since it was to meet with a local representative to see if we qualified for a government-subsidized health care program, I wasn't feeling too enthusiastic about the meeting or the results. I’d had quite my share of battling the government lately. Yet I decided to keep the appointment, since COBRA is ridiculously expensive and it's going to be another five months until I can buy into my employer’s plan, and even that is going to be costly.

After said nap, I gathered up all the paperwork I'd been asked to bring. My last four pay stubs, my birth certificate, some proof of address, and Husband’s schedule C from his taxes. I drove into town and parked in the appointed lot and walked down a long corridor to the appointed meeting place.

And was told at the front desk that the appointed woman hadn't shown up.

Fortunately, her colleague, a very pleasant man named Bobby, was able to meet with me. He called Larissa – the appointed woman - and discovered that she'd been called to some other office for the day, and had somehow neglected to contact me.

One more strike against my faith in my friendly neighborhood government worker.

But Bobby was nice, and apologized, and told me about the programs. He said they were based on income, and how many children we had, but even with my contribution to our household earnings alone, we made too much to qualify.

“But I only work part-time,” I said.

"It’s based on income,” he reiterated. “Didn't Larissa go over any of this with you on the phone?"

"No," I said, standing up. "And if she had she would have saved me the trip. But it was very nice to meet you."

He apologized again. "I'm sorry. But if the two of you weren't married..." I wiggled my banded ring finger in front of his face. "...or if you had kids..." he added.

"So we’re just screwed," I said.

"Basically," he sighed.

It was a long walk down the corridor to the doors leading outside. At least I had to go to the pharmacy, I told myself, so the trip wouldn’t be an entire waste. This helped calm me some, but I was still seething. Once again, New York State was penalizing us for 1) being married; and 2) not having reproduced. What about the Defense of Marriage act? Did that mean nothing? (I guess it was only designed to keep gay people from getting married) And here I thought all these politicians were being sincere when they pontificated about the sanctity of marriage and how it kept communities together. Silly me. And children? People can have three, four, five, six...with different fathers yet...and they're eligible for all kinds of government aid. And here we are, caught in the middle. Not even offered any incentive for reducing our community’s carbon footprint by not making any more humans to tax the planet’s resources. We make too much money to qualify for help, yet not enough to live on. Married couples with two incomes (however small) and no children pay more taxes, proportionally, than any other demographic group. But even if we had made the decision to have children, we couldn't afford them. But then, maybe, they would get free health insurance.

On the trip home, I let most of the seething go. I can't change the system. It sucks, but that's the way it is, and I have to accept it. For a fleeting moment I thought about who I could compose an angry letter to - Hillary came to mind - she is my Senator, after all, and I haven't asked one single thing of her yet, and wasn't she all for this Defense of Marriage act that her husband passed? Didn't she believe that it takes a village to raise a child? Well, some of those villagers have time to help raise the other villagers’ children because they don't have any of their own. Surely I was worth a few minutes of her time.

But then I decided that would probably all come to naught and get me upset all over again.

So I went to the pharmacy, filled a prescription, bought a bunch of trashy magazines, and went home.

And the doe was still in the back yard. Again, she didn’t look right. She'd get up, unsteadily, then flop back down. I wondered if I should call my neighbor, Pat. He's a hunter, but a good one - the kind that cares about the ecology and the health of the local population.

And then she looked right at me, clear-eyed and strong, and I knew. She was pregnant.

"Maybe she's just sick," Husband said. "She doesn't look big or anything."

“Maybe she just carries it well,” I said.

We watched her on and off for the rest of the afternoon. We watched a movie, foraged some dinner, and then I did my evening PT.

As I’m stretching on the floor, Husband is standing at the slider to the back porch, holding binoculars. “You’ve got to see this,” he said. “There’s a baby. She had a baby. Right in our yard!”

I got up to look. There was Mama, licking a wobbly brand-new fawn. It looked like a wet house cat with long legs. Husband and I took turns watching and calling people like we were the proud parents, until it was too dark to see. We watched it try to get to its feet – then fall – and on its feet – and it fell again. Until finally it took its first, still wobbling, step.

I’d seen my cat have kittens, but I never saw an animal in the wild giving birth. I was in awe. I feel like in some ways animals are so much smarter than we silly humans. Women and men decide (or don’t decide) to reproduce for so many reasons besides instinct or love. There’s power, and convenience, and a ticking biological clock, and societal expectation, and the desire to create someone that will love us or take care of us when we’re old. And to bring this child into the world we need doctors, midwives, books, training…yet animals do it all the time, right out in the woods, with no assistance at all.

We named it Fawn Hall. I felt as proud of the doe as if I’d given birth myself. Hey, maybe I can claim it as a dependent. Then perhaps we can qualify for health insurance.