My order for a magic wand must have gotten lost in the mail, so my next request will be for a time machine. Nothing fancy, just your basic transportation.
After I use it to take care of a few housekeeping chores like getting enough winning lottery numbers and stock picks to ensure a lifetime of comfort for myself and my family, then I can have a little fun. And, you know, help the state of humanity.
For instance:
• Most people, when given the chance, would go back in time and kill Hitler. But I have something much more creative in mind. I’d land about the time when he was showing his first promise as an artist, say nine or ten. And I’d take the wad of money I’d made in the US Industrial Revolution investing in railroads and feed it to a Jewish art collector in Berlin. I’d tell him about this Hitler kid. Tell him to tell all his friends how much money this kid is going to make for them one day. I’d support his family, all his buddies, give him a ton of lessons, have a show, put him up in some swanky apartment when he’s old enough to leave home, take care of his every need. Make him the German Van Gogh, make sure he’s too fat and happy and adored to ever think badly of Jews. You know what might be even better? Before this, go back to the time when the US and UK and Russia were divvying up Germany after WW1. That’s where the whole “we hate the world” thing started with Germany. I’d slip in as a well-respected peace negotiator and say to the Kaiser, “Well, you know, you guys suffered enough. We’ll just leave all the borders the same as they are if you promise never to do it again. Oh, and we’ll bring in a whole shitload of League of Nations Peacekeepers to rebuild your infrastructure.” Then I’d secretly arm the Polish border.
• I’d put a security camera in Nicole Brown’s front entryway. Ditto the grassy knoll in Dallas, Marilyn Monroe’s bedroom and in front of Jesus’ tomb.
• I’d tell Monica Lewinsky, “You know, you really ought to have that blue dress cleaned. And that Linda Tripp? I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.”
• I’d infiltrate the Hollywood power structure and ban the production of remakes.
• I’d tell Ray Nagen, “Dude. Use the school buses.”
• In August of 2001, I’d make myself the Will Crusher of the FBI (you know, that kid Wil Wheaton played in Star Trek who always had a better idea but no one listened to him because he was just a kid) and say to my boss, “Hey, I’ve just been going through some files…and there are these guys who are all Middle Eastern and all taking flying lessons…and the real funny thing is, none of them were interested in learning how to land.”
• I’d go back and befriend Geraldo Rivera about the time he was choosing his major. “Yeah, Gerry, “ I’d say. “Journalism is fun and exciting and all, but it doesn’t pay that well. Have you ever considered dentistry? If you still have the journalist bug, you can write a gossip column for the ADA newsletter, you know, call it something like ‘The Whole Tooth?’”
And that’s just for starters…..
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4 comments:
Wow, those are some brilliant ideas. Really love your sense of irony too.
Although... I find myself wondering why you (and it seems almost every Democrat in the country) want Bill to get away with cheating on his wife? Ah well, it's only an oath of fidelity and loyalty that he broke on dozens if not hundreds of occasions, not like it would have any impact on the way he performed in his professional career of public service, right?
Me, I'd like to visit several historical figures after taking care of a few of those same things on your list. Ben Franklin in Paris would be one of my first stops. Then off to Menlo Park and Edison's lab (with a fat cashier's check, natch. I mean talk about your sound investments!).
A very brief stop at a New York rail stop on December 8th, 1980 to nudge an Asian woman a little to one side would have to come up.
I'd definitely have to have a chat with Algore in early 2000, complete with some suitably incriminating photos of him doing something questionable (Hey, I got a time machine, and he musta done SOMETHING!) so that he would drop out in such a way as to make a second Dem candidacy impossible, and declare that all his supporters should vote for Nader.
My next stop, Hollywood. Specifically the MTV offices, where one killing rampage later, the horrors of reality TV would remain forever stillborn in the grey matter of whatever idiot started that stupid House show. Since I was in Hollywood already, I'd check Phil Hartman's wife into a psych ward.
In fact, I'd probably spend quite some time fine-tuning the reality stream as it related to the various Not Ready For Prime-Time Players' lives. Farley, Belushi, Piscopo, etc...
Man, so much wrong in the world, and I've barely scratched the surface! Passing out bolt-action rifles to the Masai to keep South Africa free of whites, sitting in on a Mercury planning session and suggesting an escape plan in event of a fire, jumping up a couple decades and replacing an E-ring, a secret resupply and garrisoning of Ft. Sumter, a little trip to New Mexico to put a genie back in the bottle (and follow-up visits to any other place he pops up later).
A trip to Moscow in late 1917, with a squad of Gatling-gunners, and then a trip to Beijing in the 40s to give Chiang-Ki-Shek a hand. Just think of how much better the last 90 years could have been without Communism!
aaa - Don't worry. There will be sequels. And in another twist of irony, I feel the same way you do about Bill. I'm not a fan. But I would have liked to have spared myself and the world from having to hear about the damned blue dress and the parsing of the language and the redefinition of adultery.
I've already reconsidered my 9/11 solution and decided that I would, just as the fated planes were filling, run around like a maniac shouting, "I've got a bomb!" and then disappear in my time machine.
Interesting also would be the ramifications of what I'd do...but that will take several blogs, I think.
Very clever, Mr. Peabody. Thanks.
Thanks, Sherman.
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