Idol-atry

I’m outing myself. This year I’ve gotten hooked on “American Idol.” I hope you don’t think less of me. OK, I really don’t give a damn if you think less of me. But I do care about the quality of the time I spend watching trashy reality television, and if I’m going to waste an hour now and again engrossed in something ridiculous, I want the producers to make it worth my while.

I do know that a two-hour finale (airing tonight) designed to determine which of the remaining contestants will take home the title sounds like a big fat yawn. Especially if it’s based in any way, shape or format like the preceding elimination rounds. There will be the singing, then the obligatory questioning from host Ryan Seacrest (Are you nervous? Come on. Are you really nervous? Really, really nervous?), cut to the block of fans in the audience cheering on each contestant, with their homemade signs, cut to the block of fans by video feed from a bar in the contestant’s home town. Then cut to a commercial. And another commercial. And another…and I’m switching to the Met game and will see who won on the web the next morning.

But here are a few suggestions the producers may want to think about next season to keep eyeballs and remotes from wandering:

1. The sing-off
The judges, the audience, the embittered and voted off, or even the remaining contestants themselves can dare each other to sing the most un-singable song they can think of. Examples could be the Star-Spangled Banner, an aria from any Wagner opera, or that song by REM that goes really, really fast.

2. Survivor
Let’s get down to what being an American Idol is truly all about. For one month, finalists are tailed by a phalanx of paparazzi 24/7. Scurrilous stories and retouched pictures of them and their family members are printed in every tabloid and broadcast on every tabloid TV show. First finalist to call a tearful press conference to announce he or she is entering rehab loses.

3. The sing-off, part II
Two words: Muskrat Love. Judges will be the Captain and Tennille.

4. Feats of Strength
Finalists will strip to catsuits and wrestle in a mud pit, then sing the entire score of a Stephen Sondheim musical.

5. The Gag Factor
Finalists will sing a series of duets with the judges. Obligatory numbers to include “Ebony and Ivory,” “I Got You, Babe,” and anything by Donny and Marie. Lose your lunch and you will be eliminated.

6. Keepin’ it Real
They can sing. So what? This time, finalists write their own songs. We see them sweating, crying, drinking, hulked over pianos and blank music sheets wadded up and tossed over their shoulders. Most MP3 downloads by the following week wins. If plagiarism can be verified by any remaining Beatle, you are disqualified.

7. Bring the House Down
My Bugs Bunny upbringing is showing. Whoever can hold a note longest wins.

8. The Last (we promise) Theme Week
Finalists will get into some oldies. I mean realllllll oldies. Let’s hear some Gregorian chants. The Chorale from Beethoven’s Ninth. Viking war chants. I want to see variety, people!

Are you listening, Simon?