A Little Wisdom From A Wise Soul

Lately, when faced with a dilemma, I ask myself that eternal question—not “what would Jesus do?” but “what would George do?”

That’s George Carlin, I mean.

And I think in these troubled times, his wisdom might be just what we need. For instance, what to do about our dwindling fossil fuel supply.

We humans, we find something, and we use it up as fast as possible. That’s just our nature. ‘Cause the cavemen, they didn’t know that another mastodon was just around the corner. They thought that was the only one they’d ever see, and the only food they’d ever catch. So they stuffed themselves silly, and hoped that would last them as long as possible.

They just didn’t know.

We’re still like that. People came to America, they were heating things up with wood and fire. Then one day someone dug a hole in the ground, and found this black stuff they called “coal,” and said, “Screw the wood, look at this stuff! It burns a lot longer! And so what, it smells bad. So do you!”

And then we went about digging up all the coal. So what if people were dying from diseases, we didn’t live that long, anyway. And most of the people we sent down into the planet to get the coal up were poor, anyway, and the people with money didn’t give a shit about them. So they sent a canary in. Those poor little birds, they were being slaughtered by the thousands because nobody had invented a carbon monoxide detector yet. Bet God is pissed about the canaries. He kind of liked them, too, they were so pretty and had their little songs.

So one day, some dude out west digs a hole a little deeper and this black stuff starts gushing out all over him. “Oh, shit,” he must have thought. “I made the earth bleed!” But then later on someone figured out that this goo worked better than that crappy coal and you could make more stuff out of it, too! All kinds of fuel! And then we could have tons more technological junk. That led to cars, and trucks, and while there was less coal dust in the cities, it led to other problems.

‘Cause being stupid little humans, we got greedy. We tried to use up all that oil as fast as possible. Now people are telling us, “We must conserve! We have to find other things that burn besides oil!”

And we cringed. Some people were good about it. They bought hybrids, they put solar panels on their roofs, they turned the thermostat down and wore sweaters, like Jimmy Carter.

You know, in a lot of ways, it’s like shampoo. You get a new bottle and you think, “Hot damn, I’m all set here! I got a lot of shampoo! I can use as much as I want!” So you pour out a big glob. You mush it all over your head. You even lather, rinse and repeat.

Until…you pick up the bottle one day and notice that it’s starting to run out. “Oh, shit,” you think. So you start using a smaller glob. You don’t rinse and repeat. Then…now admit it, you all do this…you put a little water in the bottle, so you can get more out of it. And then when that’s gone, you start using other people’s shampoos…your spouse’s, your kids’…when you’re desperate enough, you’ll use the dog’s. Or you’ll start washing your hair every other day.

Finally you break down and get a new bottle. “I’m all set!” you think, all smug and happy. Then you pour out a big glob, you lather, rinse, and repeat…

But what if you go out to your drug store they’ve run out of shampoo?

“Sorry,” the manager says.

“Nothing?” you ask. “No Prell, no Pantene? Not even any of that Fructis stuff?”

“All out,” he says.

“Not even baby shampoo?”

The manager shrugs. “We used it all up.”

This puzzles you. “We…used it all up? How is that possible? Can’t we just make more? This is America, for God’s sake…”

“I’m afraid we’ve run out…” Then he smiles. “We’re working on some alternative forms of hair care products…might I suggest in the interim you use soap? You might even be eligible for a tax credit.”

Damn. I knew I should have skipped that “lather, rinse and repeat part.” You sigh. “Fine. Give me the application.”