The Oldest Profession Should Have A Union

(Warning: this entry contains adult content)

Once again I’m behind on the news. But I’m remembering a little item that blipped into the headlines and then was wiped away by some disaster, some prominent death, some poorly chosen phrase uttered publicly by a public figure.

And that’s the case of the infamous DC Madame, who got caught doing business as such, and was forced to divulge her little book of names. I can only imagine who might have been on the list. One was, reportedly, a lower-ranking official in the Bush Administration. And there were probably other patrons of all political stripes. But as mentioned above, no further hoopla was whipped up in the media.

While pure animal (and writerly) curiosity at first made me wonder who had been frequenting one of Washington’s more prominent escort services – especially if said frequenter had been thumping his chest in the name of “family values” or whatever the politically correct police is calling it this week – I gave it another thought.

And my thought was this: why the uproar? Do I really care who patronized a prostitute inide the DC beltway? As long as it wasn’t paid for by my tax dollars, or rubbed in my face on national media during a months-long prosecutorial stand-off whereupon said patronizer covered up his little escapades, why do I give a flying fig (or fig leaf, as the case and penchant might be) who paid how much for whom?

And while we’re on the subject, why is it that the oldest profession, one that, unlike nearly all the others, has managed to escape the robotic arm of technology, is still illegal in 49 states of this country?

Why not simply legalize it throughout the land and let freedom ring? (and ring again, if you care to pay for a double session?)

Because aren’t those of us who support the right to abortion under the aegis of women having free reign over their bodies hypocritical if we don’t also support the right of women, who are of legal age and do so of their own free will, to legally charge for sexual services, should that be their chosen profession?

There are caveats to participation, of course. These “sex workers” should be licensed professionals (requirements for the licensing exam to be finalized by Bill Clinton, Hugh Grant and Heidi Fleiss among other distinguished members of a carefully selected panel of experts). They are to be of legal age and regularly screened for STDs and other health issues. They are to negotiate their services and fees in advance of each transaction. They are to be citizens of the US or immigrants with legal papers, pay taxes and have entered the profession of their own free will.

So who is getting hurt here?

Some might say that the sex workers are at risk being physically hurt by their customers, because the nature of the transaction puts them in a vulnerable position. But think about situations many people face every day where they could potentially be vulnerable to attack:

• Getting a massage
• A visit to the gynecologist or other health care professional
• Going into a dressing room of any store that features “free webcam coverage of your visit with each purchase”
• Trying to take Alec Baldwin’s picture

And consider at the advantages these “sex workers” could have, should their line of work be legally protected:

• No “pimps” to take their money and beat them up
• Health insurance, which would cover breast augmentation and other plastic surgery services as required
• A professional union that would protect their interests, offer training courses and set guidelines for fees. This union (National Personhood of Professional Sex Workers, Local #69) would also go to bat for its members should their jobs be threatened with outsourcing or faced with rate undercuts by other countries who don’t treat their workers fairly.
• Legal backing should a customer be physically harmed or die in the act
• A little respect, damn it

One might also posit that legalized prostitution could lead to the encouragement of adultery and the instability of the institute of marriage in general. But a married guy could slip off his ring and pick up an amateur, if he were so inclined. If a marriage is healthy, then the partners are most likely satisfied and wouldn’t seek outside recreation. If one party chooses to engage the services of a sex worker, then that should be between the married couple and the purchaser’s moral compass. And as far as divorce law goes, patronizing a sex worker would have the same punitive value as adultery. More so, if he’d spent Junior’s college fund getting his jollies with the freelancer down the street.

Professional sex workers could also become a profit center for the US government (after all, if what has been reported in the DC Madame’s book is true, members of Congress seem to be the highest patronizers of such services). Each transaction would be taxed, and the sex worker would fill out a Schedule C and other paperwork as required by any freelance professional.

So legalizing prostitution could be a win-win situation all around. Customers, especially prominent ones, win by not having their names plastered all over the media. The workers get professional training, status and protection. No more cargo-loads of pre-teen Chinese girls forced to work off their transport. No more girls trading their bodies for crack or getting beaten up after not providing enough of a cut to their “managers.” If a guy still needs that touch of the forbidden, he can just close his eyes and pretend he’s in Bangkok. Hey, these girls are professionals, after all.

And finally, it’s a legal way for women who are so inclined to pay for college, so they don’t have to suffer the humiliation of earning it by slinging overpriced burgers while wearing a Hooters uniform.

Or being a White House page.