So Khalid Sheik Muhammed has confessed to masterminding the 9/11 plot, the previous WTC bombing, various other bombings, and plots to destroy US landmarks and assassinate several former US presidents. But our RFG spies have found out (don’t ask us how we found out or we’d have to kill you) that he also claimed responsibility for a number of other events previously unreported by any other media.
For instance:
• He was the lone gunman on the grassy knoll
• He fathered Anna Nicole’s baby
• He killed Marilyn Monroe
• He developed New Coke
• He secretly bankrolled Ralph Nader’s ’00 and ’04 presidential campaigns
• About a dozen years ago, he convinced Mark Burnett that producing a reality show in America would be a “really great idea”
• He was behind Betamax
• He wrote the screenplays for “Ishtar,” “Waterworld,” and “Heaven’s Gate.”
• He killed Jimmy Hoffa
• He got Milli Vanilli a grammy
• He was responsible for Hurricane Katrina and the tsunami in Indonesia
• He rigged “just a couple” of voting districts in Florida and Ohio
• He told Michael Jackson that he really ought to marry Lisa Marie. Oh, and that his nose could use some work
• He coined the phrase “it is what it is”
• He bankrolled the Ugandan Space Program
• He was the one who really invented the Internet
• He advised Monica to keep the blue dress
• He started wearing his jeans down below his boxers before anybody else
• He made a few “revisions” to Skylab’s specs before it was built
• He convinced Korea to export cars to America
• He was responsible for artificial turf and the designated hitter rule
• He rigs the “American Idol” vote every week to keep Sanjay around so he can see what hairstyle he’ll choose next
• He told Britney Spears, “You know, I think you’d make a really great mother.”
• He invented Olestra
• He sent the first chain e-mail (don’t delete this!!)
• He thought the captain of the Exxon Valdiz looked nervous, and suggested he have a belt or two before taking to sea
• He designed Janet Jackson’s halftime-show outfit
• One word: “Barney”
• He suggested that maybe OJ ought to try on the gloves in court
• He is the mastermind behind global warming
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6 comments:
Heh. Funny stuff. What about Jon Benet Ramsey, though? Surely, he must have that mystery on his resume' as well.
D'oh! I thought of that one while I was having lunch...brilliant minds, and all...
Oh, good ones! But I'll let you in on a secret. I'm the one who invented the Internet. In my garage. On a Saturday. When I was 7 years old. And that's the truth.
...and then you sent the first chain e-mail, right? ;)
Wow, HE wrote Waterworld?!?
That, that totally makes up for every bad thing he's ever done.
Waterworld was a great post-apoc movie. The extended version bears that out with no possibility of debate on the subject.
Was it Citizen Kane? No. Then again Citizen Kane was a snorer.
Oh, we are so not movie-compatible. Just don't tell me you hated Casablanca.
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