But First, The Idol Minute
I have nothing more to say about Sanjaya except to speculate that perhaps his sister got the lion’s share of their parents’ attention when they were growing up.
And when he looks back at this footage, say, twenty years from now, he’s going to be mortified.
Given that, look for either Chris to be sent home tonight.
Now back to our regularly scheduled broadcast.
Some of you might have read Roger Ebert’s book in which he lists all the clichés in movies. For instance:
• The night watchman dies first in any horror movie.
• Bad guys can’t shoot worth a damn.
• All you have to do to make the “ugly duckling” character into a mega-babe is take off her glasses and shake her hair out of its ponytail.
Over the years I have a come across a few additions, including some from television:
• In a comedy (especially a romantic comedy) at least one individual from any couple shown paddling a canoe or any kind of oar-operated floating device will wind up falling into the water.
• Ditto any main character in fancy dress near a swimming pool.
• The baddest villains take the longest time to die. I think Al Pacino spent the last half of “Scarface” tumbling down the stairs while bleeding to death.
• If a platoon of soldiers is seen in a moving vehicle, and they are joking around, in the next few minutes they will probably be blown up.
• If a male character (especially if he’s a little pompous or chauvinistic) is slated to meet either a doctor or a new boss, odds are the character will be female. And probably gorgeous.
• Any pregnant character will give birth either as the season finale, or during sweeps week. In movies, any pregnant character (with “Fargo” being the only exception I’m aware or) will deliver by the end of the film.
• If the camera focuses too long on a plate-glass window, somebody is going through it.
• A platonic couple shown will fall in love, either by the end of the film, or, if on television, some time during the run of the series (depending on the ratings). Look for this romance to be hurried along if the series is in danger of being cancelled.
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4 comments:
My guess was Chris Sligh and true enough, it was his turn. I don't think Sanjaya's going home right away, frightening though that thought is, but I can't wrap my head around him winning, either.
• In a comedy (especially a romantic comedy) at least one individual from any couple shown paddling a canoe or any kind of oar-operated floating device will wind up falling into the water.
SHALLOW HAL would be an exception to this, but yeah, it seems to be a pretty universal 'set up', doesn't it?
• If a male character (especially if he’s a little pompous or chauvinistic) is slated to meet either a doctor or a new boss, odds are the character will be female. And probably gorgeous.
And there will be a conflict that is replete with sexual tension. (ie: Mel Gibson's character being overlooked for a promotion that was given to new "guy" Helen Hunt, in WHAT WOMEN WANT.)
I heard about an interview with Simon Cowell where he promises to quit if Sanjaya wins. And with Howard Stern behind the move to keep Sanjaya and screw Simon, it just might happen...and then the moon will turn to blood...
Funny. I had "What Women Want" in mind for that reference.
Some more tried-and-tru cliches from movie and television--
The Chuck Norris Effect: Two men face off, one with a hostage, the other trying to save the hostage. The rescuer will always either give up their gun in negotiations and draw a hidden one to making the winning shot, or pretend to discard it, flashing a signal to the hostage to struggle at that moment, giving the hero a clear shot to save the day.
Face Your Deepest Fear: If a lead character expresses any sort of phobia or fear, they absolutely must face it and overcome it at or just prior to the climax of the movie. It would be good storytelling if it didn't happen every time, but it does, and so it is hackneyed.
The Only Good Soldier... Any minor character who is part of a military organization, especially in a Sci-Fi action movie, that is especially gung-ho or enthusiastic about their military service will end up dead, either because they followed a stupid order that got them killed, or because their superiors kiled them deliberately for stumbling across venality and corruption. They may just die from being outclassed by a superior foe that the hero ends up killing later. But they definitely die, often badly.
But, But, He's the Hero! Almost never, unless it is at the beginning of a prison movie, does the hero ever have to face so much as an inquest regarding the people he's killed, whether in the line of duty or just in the course of saving the day, and absolutely never at the end of the movie. If anyone even tries to make him answer a question about it, his wife will cold-cock them for him. (I will note however that the Lethal Weapon movies do make some mention of actually investigating Rigg's and Murtaugh's stacks of corpses, so those boys are ok.)
The Blonde Brainshell Even the seemingly dottiest of dotty airheaded blondes is actually a super-genius who marches to the beat of a different drum. This is especially true of cheerleaders, homecoming queens, and the popular girls.
Black...and White (as in no shades of grey) There are only two adult black males on the planet, all others are clones of these two. One is a thuggish criminal who smokes dope and pimps hos. The other is a Harvard graduate, struggling to succeed in a white world. (This cliche has taken some hard knocks from guys like Ice Cube who make a point of protraying 'ordinary Joe' black guys, just workin' a job and payin' the bills, trying to make it to the weekend to hang with their homies, but it keeps getting propped back up by chuckleheads like Samuel L. Jackson and Denzel Washington, doing their best to promote the 'Two Cloned Bruthas / Brothers' image.)
Read that last one carefully. It's not intended as racism. If it sounds racist, you've read it wrong.
I'd add to that one of my favorites (and I think it's in Roger Ebert's book):
The Villian Who Talks Too Much: Villian holds Hero hostage and spends so much time revealing his evil plot that it gives Hero time to saw through his ropes with the nail file in his back pocket (or with the help of the magnifying glass in his back pocket and the sun or a strategically aimed laser beam ). If it's the middle of the movie, the villian escapes and if it's the end, the hero gets the villain's gun and shoots him dead, dead, dead.
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