American Short-Term Memory

Is it me or am I just too old to get these things?

OK, it’s Wednesday and for all of you non-American-Idol fans, that means that the remaining number of contestants have performed last night, and tonight will be the Results Show (which Husband has coined the Rejects Show).

And I know some of you may not like it, but even though this is merely a reality show, I’m rather brain dead by about eight o’clock at night so I’ve become a reluctant fan. And with my overinflated sense of justice, I feel a need to report on the judges’s treatment of each performance, and, following tonight, on how “America” voted.

If you don’t care for reality shows, you may just skip past these parts (I promise you, except in extreme cases of injustice, that these rants will not be long) and continue on to the rest of the day’s RFG commentary.

First: Is it just me or did Ryan cut off Simon before he had a chance to say anything negative about Sanjaya? Did they all take a vote beforehand and decide to stop torturing this untalented but sweet young man and wait out the moment (please, let it come quickly) when America will finally come to its senses and figure out that no matter how many times he changes his hair, no matter how much he pretends to be the next Donny Osmond (Google it, kids), he simply does not have the chops to compete with the rest of the gang?

Honest to God, put him out of his misery already.

And second: Why is it OK to chastise Gina (the punker of the crew) about choosing style over substance (I think she did a rather fine cover of the Stones’ “Paint it Black.”) when Sanjaya did exactly the same, (wriggling and screeching through a Kinks song when he couldn’t even lace up Ray Davies’ pointy-toed boots) and nothing was mentioned? Or was Paula simply too overwhelmed with lust to think straight?

Now on to the rest of our broadcast day.

Who Wants To Be President, Part 2

I know it’s as impossible to keep track of current presidential candidates as it is to understand Federal tax law, and the election is a long way off, but here’s an update of who’s still got their hat in the proverbial ring: (leaving out the unofficials like Al Gore and Fred Thompson)

For the Democrats, wearing blue shorts and an air of entitlement:

Hillary “It’s My Turn” Clinton, Senator from New York
Barack “Not If I Have Anything To Say About It” Obama, Senator from Illinois
Christopher “I’m Sorry” Dodd, Senator from Connecticut
Dennis “Why Am I Doing This To Myself Again?” Kucinch, Rep from Idaho
Joseph “Yawn” Biden, Senator from Delaware
John “Pretty Boy” Edwards, former VP candidate
Bill “I Speak More Spanish Than Bush” Richardson, Governor of New Mexico
Mike “Who Am I?” Gravel, no discernable job whatsoever

And in the Republican corner, wearing red shorts and with a look that would stop an incoming SCUD missile:

Rudy “Make My Day” Guiliani, formerly “American’s Mayor”
John “The Backstabber” McCain, Senator from Arizona
Sam “Brokeback” Brownback, Senator from Kansas
Mitt “Mormon Matinee Idol” Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts
Mike “The Other Man From Hope” Huckabee
Tommy “Used To Be Somebody” Thompson, former HHS and Governor of Wisconsin
Jim Gilmore, Advisor of some sort
Tom “Comb Over” Tancredo, Rep from Colorado*
Duncan “Huh?” Hunter, Rep, California
Ron Paul, Rep, Texas*

*Undeclared but have formed exploratory committees

First of all, we can eliminate a whole bunch of candidates right off the bat. Face it, with the megabucks required to run for office and the way state primaries might start stacking one atop another, very few of these contenders will be able to stick around for very long. Especially the ones who have not yet made a commitment. So that leaves us with:

For the Dems
Hillary Clinton
Barack Obama
John Edwards
Bill Richardson (my pick for Dark Horse)
Al Gore (should he choose to run)

For the GOP
Rudy Guiliani
John McCain
Christopher Dodd
Joe Biden
Mitt Romney
Newt Gingrich (a long shot, should he declare his candidacy)

Now, the second round of eliminations. With very few exceptions (John Kennedy being one of them, and Gerald Ford, under duress, and Richard Nixon, only because he'd been VP), not too many presidents of late have gone across the mall from Congress to the White House. The reason being that while those in Congress are good campaigners, they don’t actually run anything. If you take a spin back through the past few decades, the majority of presidents have been Governors. Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Bush II…all governors and none of them from the Northeast. (Bush I, while from the Northeast, rode to the top on Reagan’s coattails) Which leaves Mitt Romney in the cold right away. Ditto Joe Biden, John McCain (he’s got the double whammy of having ticked too many people off), Christopher Dodd and John Edwards (sorry, Charlie, why don’t you find some nice teaching job somewhere or go on a speaking tour…or make a documentary). Al Gore, while a liberal wet dream of revisionist history, simply doesn’t (and didn’t) have enough of what Idol judge Randy Jackson calls the “yo!” factor to make it to the top. Sorry, Al. We appreciate what you’ve done for us, but here’s your gold watch and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. And congrats on the Oscar. Maybe you can hook up with Michael Moore and do something. I hear he needs his credibility shored up.

So now we’re down to our finalists:

Dems: Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama (yes, both senators, but yes, both have that certain curb appeal that outweighs the Congressional Curse) And possibly, Bill Richardson.

GOP: Rudy Guiliani and (maybe) Newt Gingrich or John McCain

There. I’ve saved everybody a whole lot of money and time. Those not selected, you may take your parting gifts (a seat on the corporate board of your choice) and go home. Thanks for playing.

Everyone else…you’re going to Hollywood, man!

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Next installment: Third Party Candidates – who’s in, who’s not, and who you hope will find something else to do instead of screw everything up like the last two elections.