Guinness World Records Day

It is a tribute to the success or the stupidity of the human race that we have the luxury to pursue not such things like ensure the survival of the species, provide shelter and food for our families, but compete on reality shows or do dangerous or inane stunts for money or for glory.

Take for example the Guinness Book of World Records. Oh, it has gone so far beyond what we remember from our childhoods – the man who was so fat he had to be buried in a piano box, the Siamese Twins, the world’s tallest man.

Now it has become a worldwide version of “Jackass.”

Thursday was “Guinness World Records Day,” and people from around the globe were showing their stunts and their stuff in order to make it into print. For instance, an American man, Jacky Bibby, tried to hold nine rattlesnakes into his mouth (and almost lost a thumb in the process). A New Zealander tried to set the record by putting as many socks as possible on one foot. But apparently this wasn’t enough for him, so he then planned to eat as much raw garlic as possible in one minute. (and afterward I hope he stuffs some of those socks in his mouth). Toronto was going for the world’s largest reenactment of the video of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller,” which included 150 “zombie” dancers. Italians in the town of Treviso created the longest line of pizzas (203.7 yards) and 6000 Parisians were performing a simultaneous lip-lock. (All right, these last two could come under the categories of providing food for our families and ensuring survival of the species, in that order.)

As long as we’re all fat and happy and have the luxury to do ridiculous things, here are some records I’d like to see attempted:

1. World’s Longest White House Press Conference – hey, maybe we’ll get some answers out of the guy before he leaves.
2. World’s Largest Buried Object – Let Rumsfeld find the supposed Iraqi jets and WMDs he claims are buried in the desert.
3. World’s Longest Chain of Thong Underpants – Let Bill Clinton organize this to keep him out of trouble while Hillary is out campaigning.
4. World’s Largest Christmas Display – I think my neighbor is going for this one. A few more lights and we’ll be able to see him from the space shuttle.
5. World’s Loudest Simultaneous Cheer – I’m not sure, but this either occurred along the length of the East Coast or in Seattle when Democrats took both houses or when Rumsfeld resigned. We’re still awaiting Guinness confirmation. And for our hearing to return.
6. World’s Second Loudest Simultaneous Cheer – will happen when Bush leaves office.