Let’s leave the poignant remembrances and lessons learned from 9/11 until tomorrow. Ditto the fears of terrorists shoe-bombing my next flight or sprinkling anthrax over my little burg. Today, let’s just have fun.
This is what really scares me:
1. Hillary Clinton in the West Wing and Bill doing interns in the Lincoln Bedroom when he gets bored with picking new china patterns.
2. That some left-wing nut really will assassinate Bush and we’ll be left with Dick Cheney as president.
3. Running out of toilet paper.
4. That Pauly Shore and Vanilla Ice will surface as “C” list celebrities in a new reality show, revealing that Vanilla Ice has undergone so much plastic surgery that he now looks like Michael Jackson used to.
5. That really weird overgrown bush in our back field that in the mist looks like a giant, rearing grizzly bear.
6. That without the Palladinos at the helm, the Gilmore Girls will suck, have their time slot changed, try a desperate attempt to gain viewership with stunt casting, then fade into oblivion.
7. That Joan Rivers died from a plastic surgery gone wrong, and for the last few years, an animatronic version of her has been appearing with Melissa to dish on the red carpet before award shows.
8. That Callard and Bowser will stop making ginger Altoids.
9. That the “Very Brady Wedding” won’t take and we’ll have to endure an entire season of the “Very Brady Divorce,” which will involve extended scenes of the Christopher Knight begging Adrianne to take him back, crying, going to therapy and getting drunk off his ass with Bobby and Cindy.
10. That people will continue to write “As Laurence Sanders” in the “Archibald MacNally” series. Please. Let Archie be shot by a jealous husband or drug smuggler, or be killed by cirrhosis of the liver or from driving his little red Miata a tad too fast through the Everglades or from some other consequence of his playboy detective lifestyle. Let it GO already.
11. The Jon Benet Ramsey story will never, ever go away. Every few months or so, some other attention-starved pedophile will admit to the deed, and we’ll have to see that tragic baby beauty-queen photo over and over and over…
12. OJ will find God and admit that he killed Nicole. He’ll go into conference with Jesse Jackson, then spin the story as another attempt by the white man to reinforce black stereotypes. Or he’ll say he was off his meds at the time. No one will care except Oprah and the major publishers, who will fall all over themselves to offer him a budget-busting advance to write his memoir. It will be vetted and found full of “untruths,” then remaindered in a month. OJ will bunk in with Michael Jackson in his villa in Qatar and never be heard from again. Meanwhile, publishers will have no money left to spend on new novelists.
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5 comments:
We left wingers are, honest to God, smart enough not to kill Bush. We know exactly what would happen. However, one of the more plausible 'October Surprise' scenarios is a Bush assassination, either barely averted or successful. If so, it will be nominally at the hands of Islamofascists, not us evil liberals, although the country will immediately be called on to unite and vote Republican, and any lefties that try to dissent will immediately be branded traitors... same shit, different day.
GILMORE GIRLS -- is this still on? Jesus. Isn't Rory like 30 by now?
Jon Benet will go away as soon as somebody else does something equally atrocious to a little girl equally as adorable/queasily sexualized. However, the rare combination of exploitable factors represented by cases like JB's, or the Simpson Murder, comes along maybe once in a generation, so newsies milk those incidents for all they are worth. It is a vile but probably necessary adjunct of a free press in a capitalist society.
Oh, yeah, and I still don't think Hillary is electable, so I wouldn't worry about that. I sincerely hope the Dems aren't dumb enough to nominate her (and I hope they're smart enough to talk Gore into running again; I think he'd win walking away).
Jeez, it was just a joke...
And hey, not that the Repubs are any smarter (Bob Dole? What were they thinking?) the Dems were dumb enough to nominate Jimmy Carter, Al Gore, John Kerry...need I go on?
It... I... wha...
::throwing up hands::
Jimmy Carter won election. He would have won re-election if not for the October Surprise Bush I staged (called the Iranian Hostage Crisis), in combination with John Anderson's run as an independent from the left (surreptiously funded by the nascent neocon movement).
It was Bush I's ability to put this together that got him muscled onto the ticket as Reagan's VP; Reagan didn't want him.
Al Gore also won election. It was a long time ago, I know, but cast your mind back to 2000. Al actually won.
Kerry is less clear, and I certainly would have preferred to vote for Howard Dean. Nonetheless, the great preponderance of evidence strongly indicates Kerry actually won his Presidential election, too. Of course, with so many votes registered on Diebold machines, it's tough to validate, one way or another.
Now, if you want to talk about the Dems being dumb enough to nominate Dukakkis, I'm there with you. Hard to find a candidate less charismatic than Bush I, but still, they beat the bushes until they came back with one. But the list you put together... no. Those guys WON their elections. They just got screwed. Like the rest of us.
I give up. This is why I don't argue politics. I'm not very good at it.
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