Since I ordered a lumbar support for my compromised lower spine about a year ago from the Solutions people, I’ve been receiving three catalogs a month ever since. They promised “Products that make life easier,” with an unconditional lifetime guarantee. Then I received a new catalog- Problem Solvers – which claims to offer “practical solutions for everyday living.” I get two of those a month, and have yet to order a thing. I don’t know, I keep looking through these catalogs, and while their offerings are amusing and somewhat practical, they continue to ignore the most-desired items. Here’s what I’d like to see (inventors out there, take note):
1. A non-electric blanket that accommodates changes in your body temperature. Breathes when you’re hot-flashing, keeps you warm when you’re cold. Please, come up with this one and menopausal women everywhere will add your bust to Mount Rushmore.
2. A remote that will mute either politician or rap music at 100 yards. Better yet, it should emit a mild electrical shock. May be adjusted for Republican, Democrat or Country/Western for a small additional charge.
3. Prescription vials (for households with no children or pets with outstanding manual dexterity) that pop open like Tic Tac boxes. No more fumbling to open your painkillers at two in the morning or hunting for the cap underneath the nightstand.
4. An answering machine that can be programmed to leave specific messages for people you don’t want to talk to. Program in the undesirable number, and they can hear something like, “The number you have called has been disconnected,” or, combine with #2 above and have it emit a mild electrical shock.
5. Flummoxed by voting machines? Make your pick on this special single-use cell phone, just like American Idol!
6. Telescoping grooming devices for places you can’t reach. This will be especially appreciated by anyone who has seen my legs in the last nine months.
7. These catalogs, and others, now offer a revelation in women’s casual clothing: a tank top with a built-in bra: no straps to fall out, no lumps or seams to show. Well, that’s just great. But they’ve left out something major. Anyone who has shopped for women’s pants in the last year may have noticed that the jeans no longer reach the waist. It can’t be a denim shortage; boy’s jeans contain enough fabric to fit an elephant. Problem is that the jeans stop but the underwear keeps on going. (or at least any type of underwear you can wear all day while still smiling) And unless every time you bend or reach you want to share with the world that it was a leopard-print or polka-dot kind of day, or where you buy your skivvies, this continues to be a problem. Why can’t jeans be designed around this same concept? Built-in underpants with Velcro attachments. Even Brittney would buy them.
8. Can’t anyone design a car with a built-in beverage holder large enough to hold a grande latte? (But then again…asking that your car to be designed around your addiction is probably a sign that you should be in some kind of 12-step program.)
Good luck to all. But I’m sure I’ll be duct-taping a dowel to a disposable razor very, very shortly. The guys who use the whirlpool at the Y will thank me.
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3 comments:
How about a machine that will type your thoughts, make them grammatically correct and add just the right wisp of poetry to them? Or would that take all the fun out it.
...then send them via conduit directly to the publisher? The fun would be in spending the advance... ;)
Heh...funny stuff. I did want to let you know that I had seen a story some time back about one of the items (or something similar to it) that you mention. I can never get links to work right on these comment threads, but the site is www.antipanti.com. See, Opus, so it is written, so it shall be done...;)
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