As we are approaching May sweeps, the big reality shows will soon have their finales. After the last survivor is voted off the island, the winning couple makes it to the final pit stop, the pop Idol starts planning his or her publicity tour, some reality show fans, like some baseball fans, are left with a sense of…emptiness.
This is an actual documented psychiatric syndrome: post-reality show separation anxiety. And fortunately, no medication or therapy is required. The best cure is…new reality shows!
Yes, there are a ton of them on the docket, slated for summer and early fall. But here at RFG, our creative team has come up with a few that probably will never make it to the airwaves…but who knows? Stranger things have come out of Mark Burnett’s mind than…
The Apology Tour
Follow a cadre of chastised celebrities week by week as they atone for a variety of public sins. Watch Don Imus, Michael Richards, Mel Gibson, Trent Lott and the rest of our recently excoriated contenders as they attend sensitivity training, then compete for the best and most sincere apology to each group they are considered to have offended. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Gloria Allred will be our all-star panel of judges. Danny Bonaduce will host.
American Paparazzi
Who wouldn’t want a cushy job annoying celebrities? Our sixteen hopeful amateur photographers will vie for a coveted one-year contract with the National Enquirer by stalking, staking out, climbing fences, hanging from helicopters, buying off personal assistants and other creative ways of finding and shooting the celebrities du jour. Bonus points for catching the celeb in a compromising position (like, without makeup, or on the beach while bulking up for a role as a Real Person). Extra bonus points for getting punched out by Alec Baldwin or Tyra Banks.
So You Want To Be A Porn Star
Yes, you might have seen the adult DVD…but not this full-season reality show! D-list celebrities and desperate rejects from other reality shows are paired up with professional porn industry actors so they can learn the ropes (so to speak) and compete for a role in a real adult film! As this is a family web site, we can’t tell you further details. Will air on the internet only. You must be over 18 to have access to this site. All major credit cards accepted. Paris Hilton and Traci Lords co-host.
Breaking O’Donnell
A slice of life show, starring Rosie O’Donnell. Follow Rosie’s triumphs and failures as she recovers from her recent firing, sues the Donald, attends charm school and moves on, with Kelly and their children at her side.
So You Want To Be On A Reality Show
Watch twenty carefully-culled contestants tough their way through a week-by-week Boot Camp during which they will learn any skill they might need to pull out of their hats for any number of reality shows. For example, Carrying Heavy Things For Long Distances, Eating Disgusting Animal Body Parts, Singing Like A Pop Star, Hailing A Cab In A Foreign Country While Running And Waving Money, Enduring A Complete Makeover Including Getting A Full Body Wax Without Crying Like A Little Girl, Backstabbing With A Smile, and Bungee Jumping Off A Tall Building Without Wetting Your Pants. Loser of each weekly task gets the boot. Whoever is still able to walk without assistance at the end of the series gets a slot on the reality show of Mark Burnett’s choice.
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3 comments:
I can imagine no higher compliment than simply this:
I might actually watch a couple of these shows.
Wait, I thought Bonaduce was a contestant on The Apology Tour! You mean he's not? Boy, sometimes you can't tell the guests from the hosts.
Thanks for great list.
aaa: I...I'm overwhelmed. Somebody get me a tissue.
Pote: Are you kidding, Bonaduce is a graduate! After "Breaking Bonaduce" (which followed his journey through rehab and back), he was automatically granted the certification to host somebody else's show for a change. And, if he ever screws up, William Shatner is always available to take his place.
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