We interrupt tonight’s airing of “American Idol” to bring you an important message from the Oval Office. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
Bush, in a sincere blue tie, focuses seriously into the camera: My fellow Americans. I’m sure by now you’ve heard about the launch of Operation Swarmer over Iraq. I just wanted to take this opportunity to clear up any dis-I mean misinformation you might have heard from the media.
There is a terrible insurgency problem going on in Iraq right now. Anyone who lives there could tell ya. The littlest child who’s had to run away from one of them stingers could tell ya. And I’m afraid that’s that there Af-ri-can-ized Honey Bee.
Yep, that there critter has been a terrible scourge, ever since the previous administration deregulated border control, well, it’s just been comin’ farther and farther north every year. They’re all over the ranch down there in Crawford. Me and Laura, ain’t a day goes by when you don’t see cattle stung or sometimes even a great big swarm of ‘em comin’ over the horizon, from Mexico way. You don’t want to see what comes next when you meet up with the business end of one of those babies. (Gives camera weak smile)
(Looking serious and sincere again) And now I’m afraid, well, we had our best fact-checkers from the FBI on the case, you know the guys, and as far as our intelligence tells us, a bunch of ‘em musta snuck aboard one of our fine military aircraft comin’ out of one of our southern bases – wouldn’t be at liberty to tell you which one. Or one of them terrorists launched a colony of them. Never can tell with those characters.
Either way, we simply can’t sit back and do nothing while our new friends and fellow Democratic citizens battle this scourge on their own. (Presses fist into desk) And that is why we had to launch those giant aerosols over Iraq. Why, those little bitty cans, they don’t do squat. Oh, maybe they’ll give you some personal protection or maybe keep ‘em out of your houseplants but for the real mother of all swarmers, we needed the big giant economy-size aerosols. So we blow a little more out of the ozone layer over the Middle East. (snickers) Them people are used to the sun, ain’t they? I’d consider it a fair trade off if one less Iraqi child sleeps a little bit better at night knowing that swarms of ---
(Howard Dean bursts through the hidden door into the oval office, looking pissed)
Bush: Hey, Howard, how’d you get out of…I mean what a nice surprise…
Dean: It’s air assault, you tumbleweed pissant. Air Assault. Not aerosols. Christ, I can’t believe we lost to you twice.
Bush: Huh?
Dean: Air Assault. Over Iraq. Operation Swarmer. Not honeybees. Stinger missiles. Because you can’t admit that we’re in a quagmire down there, we’re putting Americans in….
Bush: Air Assault?
Dean, letting out his breath: Yes. Not swarms of bees. For Christ’s sake…
Bush, looking sheepishly into camera: Well. That’s certainly a horse of a different stripe. Tell ya what. I’ll get my intelligence people on that and get back to ya’ll. Meanwhile, get back to enjoying American Idol. (Leans back) I know I’ll be votin’ for that little African American lady with the big voice. Good night now.
Dean, under his breath, as the camera starts to fade out (visible twitch begins under left eye): Voting…voting…voting…
Bush, putting a hand on Dean’s arm: You still takin’ that Zoloft, Howard? How ‘bout you come down to Crawford for a spell. Nice and relaxing down there. I’ll let you wear my bee suit…
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2 comments:
I, I didn't post anything when I first read this because I wanted to check and see if it had actually happened or not.
Because, you know...it just might have.
I know. I kept listening to the press conferences and news reports and honest to God it kept sounding like they were saying "aerosols" instead of "air assaults..."
And I do hope Howard's doing well on the Zoloft....
Verification word: ourbvci (either a Hungarian soup or a new brand of underwear)
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